Only you could make a cab ride so interesting.

The first paragraph bugged me a little. Perhaps I just had to get used to the present tense, although the use of "closest/fastest" and "orange light dots" seemed a little odd to me.

John Pinto, by the way, is an awesome name. You developed his character subtly yet quite nicely; perfectly suited for how much he appears in the story.

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TriptychR: Does for writing what Eddie Griffin does for a Ferrari.

A year ago, you were writing a comment on A good man, stating: There was only one little thing that I felt was missing, though. You don't seem to dwell very much on who the characters really are or how they feel.

This is what I tried to keep in mind while writing this. Reading your comment on the present character today pleases me beyond recognition. I find it very interesting that you should be the one to have given both insights. For this, for your constructive criticism, I thank you deeply.


Now going back to the matter at hand, I'm truly glad you found the ride interesting and truly annoyed that the first paragraph bugged you off. Openings count. The present tense is a conscious choice, but the "orange light dots" (you know how orange and dotty the street lights look from above, framing the red and white strokes left by on-coming and on-going cars) and the "closest/fastest" certainly can be revised and improved. I would be very interested in your suggestions.


Matt

I actually know a John Pinto. Fairly common name for a Christian in the south of India.

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Hey!

So first of all, you hide your comments on my pages by replying to Tim so that I don't even get notified.

And then you give away my total lack of creativity by revealing the secret concoction of my character's name: using a really common one.

_{I actually know a John Pinto too, though he's not a driver at all. Having been in India for a very short time at that point, I'll always remember how, when he handed me a paper he was supposed to have signed, I told him: 'what do you mean John Pinto, I don't know any John Pinto around here, give me that paper back when your own name is on it'. Hehe. He was kind enough not to get mad at me...}

But then again, I wanted this name to sound truly real. I'm glad it works. Thanks for mentioning it!

john pinto is a famous bolywood kindaa name .I was amsued it was not some shantaram .But south indians are mostly brahmins or christians so its kind of fine but still john with a pinto cast LOL.Is the cab experience really so much amusing to u ? bcoz it didnt amused me maybe bcoz am used to it.
Nice effort though its more like a diary page .

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He he. That's what I like about the name--it's real. Lately I've become tired with pretentious writer names. Pretentious writer names are when writers 'create' weird names (This is totally acceptable in fantasy and sci-fi and suchlike.) as some sort of internal joke. "Look here, I'm the god of this character. I gave him this shit name." I heard Daniel Pennac does that, but I've not read him. Martin Amis does it: John Self, Martina Twain, Butch Beausoleil. It's annoying.

You know, this is giving me ideas for a new journal. These days, I can rant about anything.

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Hey Matt,

I don't really have much in the way of advanced critique because you have a nice style and you seem very comfortable with your writing--always a good thing.

I have to admit that as I was reading this a second time, I kept searching for typical 'French' mistakes in English and I found nothing! I feel so ashamed. English is the only language I know well and even after proofreading, I will make a zillion mistakes.

I also feel the text is authentic in the sense that what you are describing is so clearly a drive from Bangalore to Mysore; the traffic, the stray dogs, the people belong.

I loved the first and last lines.

The only thing I will draw your attention to is this:

A South Indian from Kerala, he owes his first name to Christian heritage and his last name to Portuguese ancestors.

which is odd because a while ago I just said the name was real.

Thing is, on the first read, I assumed that the driver was Mangalorean/Goan because of the name and missed the word 'Kerala'. I'm slightly unsure about John Pinto now.

Firstly, Mangalorean/Goan Catholics in Bangalore are generally lower middle class and up. I've never seen a driver who has a name like Pinto before. The reason is this: many Indians who converted during the time of the Portuguese and took on names like Pinto, D'Souza, Sequeira and so on, were Brahmins or generally upper caste folk. Which means they pretty much always had money and continued to have money. So, a name like John Pinto for a driver isn't impossible, but it's improbable. I can't be sure. I can assume, of course, that John Pinto was fairly comfortable money-wise and then fell on hard times. If so, it would be nice to include a bit of his story. (Also, the word 'ancestor' disturbs me.)

The second problem is Kerala. Again, I'm not sure. My history is pretty poor. But I think the Christians in Kerala were converted by St Thomas and other missionaries, not by the Portuguese priests. They generally have last names like Thomas, George, Benjamin and Anthony. I've not heard of a Keralite named Pinto. (Was the John Pinto you met from Kerala?) So, again, improbable.

But really, aside from the name, I don't think there's anything wrong with the piece. It could be longer, an introduction to something bigger, if you like. And the name isn't much of a problem either. I just got thinking, as you can tell.

Cheers

Aditi

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No, it's not a diary page.

The story is very simple–slow, uneventful, like a really good movie–and very sensitive. The atmosphere it creates, the thoughts it provokes, just crawl in while we are completely unaware of it.

The Indian driver, so simple and smooth, makes you shiver and stop for a moment to ask yourself: what am I doing?

It's so obvious and easy to realize, but we still don't notice it. Actually we do notice, but somehow along the way, without giving it a second thought. Without letting feelings follow this simple realization.

The story makes you feel very strongly how un-cozy and lonely was John's night. How sadly normal it is for him to sleep in the car in a strange place, waiting for another long ride the next day. We take it for granted, because that's the way it works, we pay our money and in most cases don't even think about it because we have so many other things to think about.

It's interesting how the reader comes up with all this feelings after only one line at the end. It's the only sentence fully dedicated to John, as if the camera finally moved from Patrick to reveal the face of the driver; but somehow our mood and our thoughts about the driver are only influenced by Patrick’s story.

But maybe you are used to it.

this comment had more thoughts then that complete story !

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